The grueling two week RA training period is coming to a close... which can only mean that the inevitable passage of time is continuing it's merciless march forward into the senior year of my undergraduate education. Im torn- Im relieved that RA training is over- 12 hours a day with people for nearly a solid week is tough for me- I become quiet and withdrawn after only a few hours- seeking the solitude I crave- and these are the moments when my bosses are expecting me to come forward and lead, to present my ideas, and to be a voice. RA training is decidedly not designed for introverts. It is a relief to have that finished.
Ra training had its fun moment- my staff is a delight. I feel more comfortable with most members of my staff than I usually do around people. I even find some members taking the time to peel back my tough layers- patiently waiting and strategically prying at me to get me to open up. I am thankful for that- so few people really see- I am glad that someone is taking the time to see me. Sometimes this openness is impossible to hide. Today in the social justice portion of training we did a 'priveledge walk'. I found myself almost at the very front- my past of family, financial and personal struggle there for anyone to see. I felt exposed, I felt helpless, I felt the way I felt when every negative thing happened in my life. I felt shame.
But when the shame passed I felt power. Yes, my life has been hard- I've had to overcome a lot to be where I am. But I made it.
That being said, the only thing that is standing between me and what promises to be a stressful semester is a hoard of freshmen moving in on friday. I feel like I am a citizen of Gondor, preparing for the armies of Sauron to break down the walls of the White City. It's a bit dramatic, but the visual is right.
Im nervous for this semester. Im nervous about getting into graduate school or going to Korea to teach english. Im worried that I will have to compromise my future because of my past.
But I can do it.
I have to.
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